Epiphany

Now I know how Tom Cruise felt in Jerry Maguire when he's suddenly struck by this moral epiphany and decides to change his entire philosophy about sports management. I'm not changing careers here don't worry- what it is though is that at this moment, I'm clearer than ever about why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Because I love it.

For the past month, I've been so overwhelmed by my teaching responsibiltiies and class assignments that I'd forgotten about why I decided to come back to school in the first place, the reason why I wasn't content with just a Masters degree and the driving force behind me waking up in the morning and NOT feeling awful about where I am. I'd forgotten to enjoy myself and appreciate the things I'm learning here. I think I've gained more knowledge and grown so much more intellectually here in the past year and a half than I've had throughout my entire education in Singapore. The ideas I've been made to think, the arguments I'd never before conceived of making have quite simply been remarkable considering the kind of student I'd always thought I was. I was never the brilliant one in class and I never felt I had to be. My parents didn't bring me up to be the kind of competitive over-achiever that many Singaporeans tend to be. I did the best I could and got by with decent grades.

But in the past 18 months, I've been challenged as I'd never been before but I've also done better than I'd ever done before. It's like my mind found the perfect environment for itself and before you know it, I was relishing the idea of attending classes, going through the tons of reading even if it meant staying up till three in the morning, and even now with the unbelievable amount of work I have, I still love every bit of what I do. I just have to keep reminding myslef that.

There isn't really quite a point to this post, just me going off on my stream of consciousness about how excited I am again about being in school. I know it might sound bizarre to many of you but I am. It's with an incredible feeling of exhilaration that I'm writing this. There's so much more ahead of me to learn and gain and I honestly cannot wait. More importantly, I can't wait to use what I learn to help the people who need it most. I keep telling my advisor that I don't want to just end up and education academic, I don't want to lock myself up in some ivory tower of a research university- no matter how prestigous- and lose sight of why I chose this field to begin with. I want to work with disadvantaged children- children in schools, children who can't go to school, work with teachers who work with these children, families of these children, etc. I want to work for an institution that cares about children who don't get the kind of education they deserve, whether it's because of the families they come from or the places in which they live. All this is very liberating because I know that with what I've learnt- whether it's social science statistics, urban demographics, civil justice or something as seemingly obtuse as pedagogical theory- and the knowledge and skills I will continue to gain, there's so much I can do to help them, in a way that was not open to me as a classroom teacher.

So that's my attempt at a personal statement- crystallized on the bus ride home and expectorated in ten minutes. I'm not sure if I'll someday look back at this and wonder what on earth I was thinking of, but for this moment, I'm feeling strangely empowered and very very happy about what I'm doing.

I hope I'll always feel this way.