One of those days

I had a hard time dropping Sophie off at daycare today. I'm not sure why. Today was no different from all the other days. But there was something in the look on her face when I turned around to leave- she wasn't crying or anything, but there was a wistfulness, like she didn't want me to leave but knew she had no choice. And she was still looking even after I closed the door behind me and saw her through the glass panel. I had to sit in the car for a while before driving off- my heart was literally clenching and there was a real ache. I felt terrible.

We talked about whether or not we would have Sophie in daycare here in California, that maybe I could take care of her and work on my dissertation at the same time. But it would have been too hard- she needs too much attention these days and there's no way I'd be able to get enough analysis and writing done to graduate in December if we didn't. And so on days she's with the nanny, I haul myself up to Stanford and spend the day writing. On the days she's with me, I play stay-at-home mom and give her all the attention she needs- I schlep her everywhere to get things done, go to the park, the library, the store, we play, we cuddle, we read, we do lunch dates, and we dance and sing to whatever happens to be playing on my iTunes- Belle & Sebastian one day, Dick van Dyke singing "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" on another.

There will come a time soon when Jude and I will both be working full-time and Sophie will have to be in someone else's care all day, 5 days a week. People do it all the time and I know she will be fine. But if I'm feeling guilty now for having her in daycare just 3 times a week, I can't imagine how I'd feel if I can only see her for a couple of hours everyday before bedtime. It's going to suck.

Today, I'm going to leave Stanford early and spend the afternoon with Sophie at the park. The dissertation can wait a couple of hours...