Thanksgiving alone

Considering the circumstances, Thanksgiving was a blast. My friend Julie wonderfully invited me to her family's Thanksgiving gathering because she was convinced I would shrivel up from pure despondence if I had to spend Thanksgiving alone. And I'm glad she did. This was my first real American Thanksgiving dinner. The past two years we've been here, Thanksgiving was always an excuse for an elaborate potluck (Singaporean curry, Korean bulgogi, orange-basted turkey, Chinese jiao zi, Spanish sangria, etc.), and I'd never had a proper sit-down Thanksgiving meal with all the works. So today was really nice- Julie's family is fabulous, there was waaay too much food (they sent me home with so much leftovers I'm going to have tryptophan oozing out my pores for the next few days!), and my definitive Thanksgiving experience has been cast: a huge cheese platter, green and red M&Ms (you gotta have green and red M&Ms!), the warmth and scent of vanilla and cinnamon candles everywhere, copious amounts of freely flowing wine which I did not have, a huge 19-pound lovingly prepared turkey, 2 kinds of cranberry sauce, cornbread and bacon stuffing, creamed onions, corn pudding, sweet potato mash, garlic potato mash, sauteed brussel sprouts, pumpkin pie, vanilla cranberry cake (which I baked and brought with me), copious amounts of freely flowing coffee which I did have, two adorable children (one of whom was running around the whole day half-naked), two golden retrievers, a cat, and a house full of wonderful people. It was an absolute privilege to have been part of the warmth and love they so clearly share.

The one thing that would have made it perfect is Jude. He's been gone 15 hours and I miss him already. It feels somewhat peculiar to be at home alone. Disconcerting perhaps. It's not like I'm scared or even lonely; a little lost maybe...

In the spirit of the season and as I sit here refreshing the Narita International Airport Arrival web-page to make sure my husband is transiting safely, here's something he shared with me a while back. It's a reminder that to be truly and utterly alive is to be grateful, aware and sensitive all at the same time.

i thank you God
i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;
and for everything
which is natural which is infinite
which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;
this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings:
and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

may my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
what ever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them
men are old
may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right
they are not young
and may my self do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been
quite such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile

love is more thicker than forget
more thinner than recall
more seldom than a wave is wet
more frequent than to fail
it is most mad and moonly
and less it shall unbe
than all the sea which only
is deeper than the sea
love is less always than to win
less never than alive
less bigger than the least begin
less littler than forgive
it is most sane and sunly
and more it connot die
than all the sky which only
is higher than the sky
-e.e. cummings