A little year-end meditation

It's the first week of December and the year tumbles towards its end. I love this time of the year-- people just seem nicer, happier, more generous with each other and themselves. The fact that Christmas is round the corner helps :) The year-end always brings with it a deep sense of contemplation and I think about all the small and big things that have made up our year. The one big thing was the move to our new place, of course. We are loving our new home deeply and with great pride-- it may be small, but it's ours and we love being stewards of it. It doesn't matter how tired I am from work or how wretched I feel from the crazy weather we're getting right now, arriving home is just the salve I need to restore my aching soul.

Smaller things are important too-- I had resolved to be more forgiving of myself and others this year. And also more thankful for the little things in our lives. For the most part I think it's worked. Things can't be perfect especially when both of us are juggling full-time jobs, a rambunctious pre-kindergartener, and managing a house by ourselves. But as long as there is always love and laughter in our home, I don't care if the laundry waits a few more days, the dishes don't get done till the next morning, or if we put off cleaning the bathrooms for another week.

I love my job-- a lot, but I try not to bring it home. I give it my all when I'm at the office, but after 5.30, other things occupy me, like hanging out with Sophie and Jude-- reading to one, reading with the other. Most evenings, after Sophie goes to sleep, we sit in the living room with something nice on the stereo-- anything from Daughter on vinyl to Thelonious Monk on Michigan Radio-- and all is well. When Jude is busy, we don't do a lot of talking-- he works and I read-- but we're sitting together and there's a quiet communion nonetheless. And I feel grateful.

"To wake at dawn with a winged heart
and give thanks for another day of loving.”
― Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

Home

Our 2012

If there was one thing I had to learn to do this past year is to be a little braver. We had to make several huge decisions this year-- some much harder than others, as you can imagine-- and we wouldn't have been able to make them if we hadn't compelled ourselves to embrace a certain amount of uncertainty. We had to learn that we can't always plan and control everything that is happening in our lives and that a healthy dose of unknowingness might not necessarily be a bad thing.

We're in a mostly happy place right now-- and I mean that existentially more so than geographically but they're sort of related, I suppose-- and your guess as to what exciting adventures 2013 will bring (us) is as good as mine. But with the whirlwind roller-coaster that 2012 put us through, I think we're pretty ready for whatever the coming year has in store :)

Alright, 2013- bring it on!

Rediscovering an old love

I used to be an English major. Which basically means for four years, it was pretty much my job to read everyday. But that was for school, and ironically, there was little time for me to read things I enjoyed as opposed to things that were prescribed in the syllabus (if you put a gun to my head and asked me to read Samuel Richardson's Clarissa again, I'd tell you to shoot...) Over the years, between being a teacher, a grad student, then a grad student and mom, and then a working mom, I've tried to carve out time to read, mostly before bedtime, although I haven't always been as successful as I'd like.

Since we've been back though, I've tried to make a greater effort to clock in some good reading time- I schlep a book with me everywhere so if there's any downtime-- when I'm having lunch alone, while in line for something, waiting for a friend, etc., I have a book to occupy me. It's really a more productive use of my time than constantly checking my email or Facebook on my phone (and shaves off data plan usage on my phone plan too...). I also try to spend half an hour to an hour reading before going to bed. It actually helps wind my mind down for the day.

Books I've finished in the past month:
Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World (Lisa Bloom)
The Marriage Plot (Jeffrey Eugenides)
Life of Pi (Yann Martel)

In the midst of:
An Everlasting Meal (Tamar Adler)

In the queue:
Wishful Drinking (Carrie Fisher)
The Sense of an Ending (Julian Barnes)
The Glass Castle (Jeanette Walls)
Possession (A. S. Byatt) (I'm going to try starting a tradition to reread this once every year. That's how much I love it)

While I do most of my reading in bed, Jude and I are also starting to read more with Sophie. As in, reading our books as she flips through hers. Initially, I worried that if I sat and read a book of my own, I'd be ignoring her. But then I realized that I'm modeling a healthy habit for her- a child who sees her parent reading for pleasure quickly gets the message that reading is pleasure. And so we made a book nook in our room for all of us to read together-- Jude has his POÄNG chair from Ikea, we got Sophie a kiddie-sized one too, and I usually just sit on the bed. We filled a basket with some of her books (that we rotate every week or so) and after dinner or bathtime, we'd just all flump down together with our own books for a little bit before putting Sophie to bed. It usually isn't for long-- 20 minutes at the most-- but it's a nice way to just be quiet around each other and unwind from the day. Sophie understands that this is a special reading time and she doesn't ask us to read to her; besides, she knows she'll get a bunch of books read to her in bed just before she goes to sleep.

It's so trite to talk about how soulful it is to read but it's hard to find any other activity that feeds your soul and mind so richly as reading. Books have always been a huge part of my life-- in one way or another-- and as I grow older, I can only hope that they will continue to be. For me, and for Sophie.

Home

After almost a decade away, we are returning to Singapore.

It was not an easy or uncomplicated decision to make but it has been the perfect storm of factors and we think this is the right thing to do for now. Jude has been made a very generous job offer that we couldn't turn down and the research prospects in Singapore appear much more promising for me than they are here in the U.S. More importantly, when we asked Sophie if she'd rather stay in Ann Arbor or go back to Singapore, she batted nary an eyelid and replied, "I want to go to Singapore." I think she has very fond and vivid memories of when we were home over Christmas and is really looking forward to reliving them again. She talks about her grandparents, her aunts and uncles, her cousins, and all the things she remembers seeing and doing- she's ready to leave right now if we'd let her :) I doubt she understands the magnitude or permanence of this move but she's happy about the prospect and I guess that's more than we can ask of her right now. And of course, there's our families, who couldn't be more ecstatic about our decision. The happy vibes that were jumping right out of Skype when we broke the news to them could probably generate enough electricity to power a small country :)

We're going to miss Ann Arbor in so many ways- this is after all where Jude and I shared our first home, bought our first car, started and completed grad school, and had our child. And where Sophie is concerned, Ann Arbor has given her just about the most blessed childhood we could have asked for her. It has given her great caregivers and friends, taught her about seasons, and inculcated in her a love for and curiosity about nature and the great outdoors. Ann Arbor made it possible for us to expose her to the array of intellectually and culturally-rich experiences that have shaped her early years. Singapore will do the same as she moves past toddlerhood, but in different ways, and it'll be quite the adventure for all of us.

We recognize that we'll be going home with some degree of privilege-- not of money or status-- but of experience. The last nine years here has influenced us tremendously in the way we now think, behave, and make decisions. And we want to use that experience to do good. To be good. That is what makes me hopeful about this next stage of our lives- that by going home, we can be of greater service than if we stayed here, that we can better contribute to something larger than ourselves, put something out into the ether that was not there before us.

But for now, there are more modest concerns that occupy us- purging and packing up the house, figuring out the details of the move, and dealing with mundane things like car payments, loans, credit cards, etc. Basically, we're slowly erasing the traces of our life here in the U.S. and re-carving one in Singapore.

See you in August, Singapore.

Sunset at MacRitchie Reservoir, Singapore

New Years Interview 2012

Here's my project to take a New Years Interview video of Sophie every year to be able to watch and remember her at each age. I think it'll be pretty neat to hear how her voice-- and her answers to the questions-- change over the years :)

So, as of 1 January, 2012:

Favorite book: Meet the Muppets (a spin-off of the movie, and a book that I've been reading at bedtime every night since we bought it two weeks ago)
Favorite color: green or purple
Favorite place: Singapore/ dinosaur museum
Favorite food: cantaloupe
Favorite drink: apple juice
Favorite toy: rubber duckie

Happy New Year everyone!

My Top 5 memories of 2011

5) Starting a new job that I really enjoy:



4) Jude successfully defending his dissertation!



3) Sophie turned 2 in August:



2) We welcomed my beautiful niece, Julianne, into our world :) Such joy!



1) Spending Christmas at home, surrounded by family, basking in much love :)



Farewell, 2011...

Ode to Parkway

It had been the one unchangeable I could always count on, the one shopping mall I've always been able to find my way around virtually blindfolded since I was allowed to visit it by myself when I was twelve. But I guess two years is a long time to be away and in my absence, my beloved Parkway Parade has finally succumbed to the metamorphosis that seems to have beset so many familiar locales around the island. Having lived in the East of the island all my life, this shopping center has always had a special place in my heart, even with the fancier, shinier, brighter malls sprouting up in the city. In its own modest way, it had (well, still has, I guess) everything I need in a mall-- sundries, groceries, food, shopping, and services like my optician and watch repairman.

And having spent so much time there these past twenty some years, I knew exactly where everything was- every shop, how most of the owners and vendors looked like, even how competitors' prices matched up (particularly amongst the mall's many optical shops). So imagine my utter discombobulation when Jude and I popped by for what I thought was going to be an easy (and quick) errand trip. Armed with a list of things to buy and Sophie happily napping at my parents', I was certain I could get everything I needed within the two hours of Sophie's nap. In fact, I was convinced that if we were strategic enough in our shopping, we might even be able to do it all in under an hour, with time leftover for coffee and a snack. Clearly, I didn't factor in 1) the Christmas shopping crowd; 2) the many makeshift shopping carts that have sprung up in every available space all over the mall; 3) an expanded basement food court that I had to meander through just to get to the elevators; and 4) all the shops that have newly opened, expanded, shrunk, moved, changed names, or closed down. It actually made me feel a little sad-- disappointed almost-- like having an old friend change on you... In the end, we did manage to get our shopping done, but in two hours instead of one. There was coffee-- but to go-- and no time for a snack.

Five years ago, I blogged about something similar; five years later, I pretty much still feel the same way. Like I told Jude as we sat in an inexplicable traffic jam in the middle of the day along Orchard Road last week, every generation of Singaporeans has-- and will-- grow old in a Singapore that is nothing like the Singapore in which we grew up.

I don't always have to smell nice

As I was singing to Sophie before she fell asleep tonight, she half-sleepily looked up at me and said, “Mama smell nice… Mama pretty.” And I viscerally felt my heart clench a little. Like I literally felt the muscle tighten. It had nothing to do with the fact that our daughter had just paid me a compliment- I don’t even think she knows what it means to be pretty (she learned it from Jude who taught her to say the word whenever he points to a photo of me in our living room); it was more about how adoring she is now of me, and of Jude. At this moment in her life, we are perfect in her eyes- we smell nice, we look good ('nice' and ‘good’ as defined by a 21-month old whose daily wardrobe invariably includes some kind of food stain, spilled juice, and sand), and we do things she wishes she can do- drive, climb down the bed without holding someone’s hand, eat cheese. As far as Sophie is concerned, her parents can do no wrong. To her, we rock.

And it scares me.

It scares me that I’m the model to which another person is looking for how to be a good and decent human being. My every word and action has the power to influence the kind of person into whom she will grow. I must embody all the virtues and characteristics I want her to inherit- compassion, grace, fortitude, wit, gumption, tenacity, love. I want to be perfect. For her.

But at the same time, I don’t want her to think of her parents as infallible. I want to show her that it’s okay not to be awesome all the time, to learn how to fail gracefully and fabulously and to learn from that failure. Sophie should know that her parents aren’t perfect- they get impatient with people who annoy them, they’re not always gracious about losing, and they procrastinate. But then sometimes, it’s our imperfections that make us us. Our quirks are what make us special. And beautiful. She must also realize that to be a good kind soul doesn’t mean smelling and looking good all the time.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is- I guess I want to give these thoughts some form or another for the year 2022. That’s the year Sophie will turn thirteen and undoubtedly go through a sullen, belligerent phase (it *will* just be a phase!). She will, at that stage in her life, invariably think her parents are about as awesome as gnats. Then, I’ll look at this and remember that yes, we really were once the center of her world and that no, I didn’t make it all up.

I'm stealing this from Jude’s Facebook, which brilliantly captures the essence of this all:

And, although I’m confident that I will always think my daughter is The Greatest Thing in the Universe, I’m also all too aware that this feeling will not always be reciprocated in quite that same way or with quite that same enthusiasm that we both enjoy right now.

She won’t always run to my bed in footie jammies.

I’ll only get that particularly noisy and personalized wake-up call for a little while. And, I only get a shot at it once a day. At almost exactly 6:00 AM Pacific Time.

Then one day? I won’t get it any more. It will be gone.
- Merlin Mann

Got milk?

I guess it's sort of poetic that I choose (though not consciously) World Breastfeeding Week to start thinking about weaning Sophie off breastmilk. With her first birthday approaching, it's something I had to contemplate sooner or later anyway. We've been fortunate (and grateful) that my supply's kept up with Sophie's needs and we're now at a pretty consistent four feeds a day (after she wakes-up, late morning, afternoon, and before bed). I express whenever she's at daycare and pack the milk with her when she goes. Pumping hasn't been that big a deal for me- I've been doing it since Sophie started daycare in January so I've become quite used to it. Besides, the reams of research behind how beneficial breastmilk is make whatever trouble it is worthwhile. On a more selfish note, breastfeeding zaps so many calories that I've actually managed to maintain a pretty healthy post-Sophie weight. Also, after reading this article in the the NYT yesterday, there's probably also an element of mommy martyrdom-

Dr. German sees (breast)milk as “an astonishing product of evolution,” one which has been vigorously shaped by natural selection because it is so critical to the survival of both mother and child. “Everything in milk costs the mother — she is literally dissolving her own tissues to make it,” he said.
- "Breast Milk Sugars Give Infants a Protective Coat", New York Times

And now that it's time to think about weaning, I'm feeling a little sad, I guess. I genuinely enjoy nursing her and it's been a very special and deeply elemental thing that we share. It's going to be a profound transition-- for both Sophie and I-- and I want to do it in a way that respects her need for both sustenance as well as comfort. Her allergy to cow's milk doesn't make the decision any easier. I suppose when we do eventually wean her, we'd move to soy formula first before trying regular whole milk.

Right now, even though many people suggest weaning at a year, I'm probably going to keep it up for as long as Sophie wants to nurse and/or when she outgrows her cow's milk allergy. I'm in no hurry to stop breastfeeding and Sophie seems to be a contended breastfed baby. So at least for now, there's no need to bust out the sippy cups. Yet...

One of those days

I had a hard time dropping Sophie off at daycare today. I'm not sure why. Today was no different from all the other days. But there was something in the look on her face when I turned around to leave- she wasn't crying or anything, but there was a wistfulness, like she didn't want me to leave but knew she had no choice. And she was still looking even after I closed the door behind me and saw her through the glass panel. I had to sit in the car for a while before driving off- my heart was literally clenching and there was a real ache. I felt terrible.

We talked about whether or not we would have Sophie in daycare here in California, that maybe I could take care of her and work on my dissertation at the same time. But it would have been too hard- she needs too much attention these days and there's no way I'd be able to get enough analysis and writing done to graduate in December if we didn't. And so on days she's with the nanny, I haul myself up to Stanford and spend the day writing. On the days she's with me, I play stay-at-home mom and give her all the attention she needs- I schlep her everywhere to get things done, go to the park, the library, the store, we play, we cuddle, we read, we do lunch dates, and we dance and sing to whatever happens to be playing on my iTunes- Belle & Sebastian one day, Dick van Dyke singing "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" on another.

There will come a time soon when Jude and I will both be working full-time and Sophie will have to be in someone else's care all day, 5 days a week. People do it all the time and I know she will be fine. But if I'm feeling guilty now for having her in daycare just 3 times a week, I can't imagine how I'd feel if I can only see her for a couple of hours everyday before bedtime. It's going to suck.

Today, I'm going to leave Stanford early and spend the afternoon with Sophie at the park. The dissertation can wait a couple of hours...

5 random things

Who says babies/girls can't look fabulous in black? (Ok, so it's technically not black, but you get my drift...)

Sophie had three helpings of beef porridge for lunch today.

Our arms and the furniture are in no hurry for the rest of her teeth to come out.

I haven't had a cup of caffeinated coffee since New Year's Day 2009.

I can't think of anything that makes me happier right now than looking at this photo.

Sophie goes to daycare

I think it was harder on us than it was for her. I held my tears in till we got in the car and Jude admitted that he teared up a little too. It was the first time she would be apart from us both for such an extended period. But Sophie seemed just fine and dandy when we said goodbye- she was being held by Erin, her primary caregiver, had a chew-toy in her hand, and was probably too curious about her new surroundings to realize that she wasn’t going to see Mama and Daddy till 5pm.

After dropping Sophie off, Jude and I went for breakfast- Date #2!- and in between mouthfuls of pancakes, all I could think of was if she was ok, whether she’d play well with her teachers and new friends, whether she missed us, or had any idea what this whole daycare business is. Then I got a phone call from Sandra, the other teacher in Sophie’s family room who just wanted to update us on how Sophie was doing: she assured us that Sophie was doing fine, snuggled with her teachers for a bit and was down for her nap already, right on time as if she were home. It was a welcomed phone call and reinforced in us that we made the right choice in sending Sophie to Gretchen’s House. I can now see why they come so highly recommended and why everyone we know who has had some experience with them loves them so much. They’re really committed to making both the children and families feel safe and comfortable. Like how we were greeted with a little poster welcoming Sophie to daycare and that reassuring phone call in the morning.

And when we picked her up in the evening, we saw on the door of the classroom a collage of pictures of Sophie throughout the day!

We even got a little report on the number of diapers she went through (1 wet, 4 poopy), how she drank her milk (finished all her bottles), and how her naps went (three 45 minute naps). This is what else her teacher wrote:

Sophie had such a great first day! We really enjoyed getting to know her and it seems like she really enjoyed her time here. Sophie snuggled her teachers and made sounds with the other babies. Sophie also explored the classroom toys and even went on a stroller ride through the school. See you tomorrow!

Sophie was in a great mood when we arrived, playing her Erin and rolling on the floor with her new friend, Lucy. We were told she did good on her first day and that after a little bout of anxiety waking up from her first nap and going slow with her first bottle, everything went smooth-sailing all day. We missed her so much and it was just wonderful to see that she was fine and happy while we were apart.

Like our friend Wendy said, it was an emotionally complex day- feeling sad and guilty for leaving her there, but also glad and comforted that she’s in such good hands and doing well away from us. At the end of the day, we think this is a good thing for everyone- Jude and I can get work done and graduate soon, while Sophie gets the developmentally appropriate interaction and stimulation she needs. We saw how much the month-long trip home and all that interaction with family and friends really helped Sophie’s maturity, especially her verbal skills, and we’re sure the awesome care she’s getting Gretchen’s House will be really good for her too.

2010 New Year resolutions

1) Eat more vegetables (I think I've made this resolution every year since I was 12).
2) Get a jogging stroller and re-start some kind of running routine (The last time I ran was a week after I completed the Half. These days, workout is rocking a 5-month old to sleep).
3) Not freak out when Season 1 of Glee and the entire series of Lost ends in May. I may be inconsolable.
4) Be better about bringing our own bags to the store, recycling, and taking the bus.
5) Not hoard library books.
6) Practice yoga again. Mommy-baby yoga :)
7) Finish writing my dissertation (Please self, please...).
8) Love this little person with everything my soul can muster.

"Us" time

In the end, it was definitely well worth our while. Jude and I were planning our first date night in 5 months (yay for parents and sisters!) and it was a toss-up between Avatar in 3D (there's no way we'd be able to make it to the theatres for this in AA and watching it on video would have been pointless...) or Bodyguards and Assassins, a Hong Kong movie about a little known assassination plot against Dr. Sun Yat-Sen (it'll be next to impossible to catch this anywhere else but in Chinese-speaking Asia.) We eventually went with Avatar and Mr. Cameron did not disappoint. The plot-- while a little predictable-- was actually stronger than expected, and the CG and special effects, truly (and literally), other-worldly. After a while, I almost forgot we were watching it in 3D (but only just almost since we were 3 rows from the front and I had a throbbing head and neck ache from watching through those glasses) which I guess is testimony to how seamless James Cameron made the medium and its subject. I really felt I was watching movie history in the making, and some new frontier in film production being carved...

I enjoyed the movie a lot, but was also very conscious of the phone in my pocket, anticipating a buzz from home any minute telling me that Sophie's having a meltdown and that we needed to race home stat. But that never came. Instead I get messages from my dad and sis about be how soundly she was sleeping. Such a relief :) But my heart still wasn't a hundred percent on the film nor on the supper we had after (which partly had to do with how sub-par it was...)- I was missing our baby so much... When we finally got home and I was holding her in my arms again, it was like homecoming even though it had only been 4 hours since we left. I needed to see her cherubic face, needed to nuzzle in her scent, kiss her sweet cheeks, and feel her snuggling in my arms. I almost didn't want to put her down and told myself it was because if I did she would cry. But on hindsight, it was probably more for my comfort than anything else.

Looks like going on a date will never be the same for Jude and I anymore. It was really nice to get out for some long-delayed "us" time, and now, even nicer to know that a different kind of "us" time would be waiting for us when we get home... :)

Take a chill pill, Mom

I think I need to take a chill pill.

I always thought I wouldn't be a stressed-out mom; I was determined not to be one of those mothers who would constantly worry and fret about every single minutiae related to their offspring, and that I would be calm, collected, and all Earth Mother-like about parenting. Clearly I hadn't had Sophie when I thought that way. As she's slowly maturing and growing more alert by the day, I've started worrying-- albeit unnecessarily I've been told-- about her sleep schedule (she's sleeping about 18 hours a day), whether she's sleeping in the right position (we try to rotate the direction she faces when she sleeps to prevent flattening on one side), whether she's eating enough (judging from the number of poopy diapers, yes), whether I'm giving her enough stimulation when she's awake (I should probably do less and let her play on her own a little more- she got bored with Fish Is Fish after about 7 seconds...), whether I'm dressing her warm enough for the weather (definitely yes), and when I should start signing to her to jumpstart her communication skills (6 months apparently, so I really need to C-H-I-L-L).

The thing is, it's almost like I need to trust Sophie's inner baby wisdom- she knows when she's hungry and when she's had enough; she will sleep and wake up as her body needs to (at this stage anyway); and she sometimes seems perfectly content to lie in her bouncer and stare into blank space rather than listen to me read to her. Babies are smarter creatures than we give them credit for and there's something to be said about not getting in the way of their natural instincts and intuitions. Like last week when I was worried that Sophie was sleeping too much in the day and not sleeping well at night; then she turned 8 weeks old and it was like she had a personal epiphany and her entire routine stabilized almost overnight.

I'm not ever going to stop worrying about her-- that's what Mamas do-- but since this parenting thing is going to take us the rest of our lives, I really need to ease up on fretting over the small things like diapers now and store up my anxiety for the big things like a bad haircut at 13 or boyfriends at 18... :)

Just us

I often wonder how different things would have been had we had Sophie back home in Singapore. We would no doubt have had tons of help from our families and friends and there would be no lack of love and attention showered on Sophie from everyone we know :) In that first two weeks after Sophie was born, there were moments when things did feel a little overwhelming with just Jude and I, and I did think about how good it would be if someone from home would miraculously appear on our doorstep and offer us their loving and unfailing assistance.

There is also, however, something kind of special about what we have now too, just the three of us here by ourselves (although we're not really by ourselves per se, what with being surrounded by awesome and generous friends here in AA...)- it's a little world we've created, a time in our lives carved out and magical like no other will ever be. It hit me in a profoundly elemental way this evening while we were playing with Sophie during one of her two most active times of the day (the other being in the morning after she's taken an hour or so to wake up completely...). There she was, staring at us all smiling and googly-eyed. We're her world right now, and she is ours. Just the three of us. This is us- we're an us. A family. For the duration of our time here, Sophie will wake up, play, poop, bathe, and sleep only to her Daddy and Mama's voices, and that is kind of precious in its own way, like a little blissful cocoon of us-ness before we go home to the riotous torrent of love, hugs, and kisses from everyone else :)

Oh, and Sophie, happy 2-month old birthday! Daddy and Mama love you to bits, punkin'!

A start of autumn song - "East" by the weather station

As the mercury starts to dip, the leaves turn color and when a definite autumnal mood is in the air, I thought that I would share this gorgeous track by the Canadian band, the weather station. Much meaning in the lyrics as we begin to ponder our next steps after the PhD.

East - the weather station

5 things...

...I miss most during pregnancy:
1) Food freedom
And I don't just mean sushi or caffeinated coffee (which boo-hoo, I can't stomach anymore!) I'm talking more the freedom to eat anything and not have to worry, like runny eggs, lunchmeats (even though I never was a huge lunchmeat person), seafood or cheeses (yes, you can eat fish-- you should eat fish-- but only some kinds of fish. And no soft cheese, but some soft cheese are fine... Shellfish is OK but it sometimes depends. Maine lobster or spiny???)

2) Breathing and laughing properly
This is happening more in the past 2 weeks as Baby gets exponentially larger. It seems as if just standing up from the couch requires an inordinate amount of oxygen. Don't even get me started on walking up and down the stairs. And I realized that I can't LOL as comfortably as I used to- why didn't anyone warn me about this? Jude was saying something crazy hilarious to me last night and it actually hurt to laugh- it then made me a little sad, which brings me to...

3) Emotional control
Actually, it's more just control over my state of mind in general. There are those moments of inexplicable weepiness (like over the Cheerios ad with the son waking his parents up with a bowl of Cheerios to lower their cholesterol- like hello???), panic (like last night when I went to bed convinced that if I got an epidural, Baby would spend her first month in a drug-induced blur), and all-round spaciness (I tried paying for groceries with my student ID.)

4) Cute shoes
I've been alternating between all of 3 pairs of shoes these past months- my Birkenstock sandals, my Chacos sandals, and a pair of PF Flyers tweed ballet flats (ok, those are kind of cute...). Nothing else makes sense or gives me any support. And while I would love to continue wearing my comfy Converse sneakers, I haven't been able to tie my own shoelaces for a while now...

5) All-round mobility
I should have known that the odd symmetry of a pregnant body was going to get in the way of movement in general- getting in and our of the car, the shower, the bed, off the couch, etc. I can't stand for too long, nor sit for too long. A regular chair isn't very comfy, but neither is our kneeling chair. And I miss sleeping on my tummy.


...I appreciate about pregnancy:
1) Food freedom
I've tried to be really good about what I've been eating during the pregnancy-- lots of whole grains, brown rice, fresh veggies, lean protein, and nuts. But I've also given in to that that extra scoop of ice-cream after dinner, just one more piece of chocolate, pancakes for supper, a funnel cake at Art Fair, a handful more chips than I should have with my sandwich, etc- just basically indulgences I wouldn't have otherwise allowed myself. I have to say, it *almost* makes up for not being able to have sushi.

2) Being pampered
And I don't mean spas or massages (although I have to say that I enjoyed the two guilt-free pedicures I've gotten in the past 3 months which is more than I usually get in a year). It's how people have just been watching out for you- Jude's been doing the laundry since I can't even remember when, people let me cut in line for bathrooms all the time, Mr Bus Driver Man made sure I'm safely seated before moving, and the guy at Trader Joe's helped me load groceries into the car without me even asking. I have to say, I might really miss all this kindness :)

3) Guilt-free sleep
I love to sleep. Ask Jude. Or my sisters. Or my parents. And since being pregnant, I've allowed myself the luxury of sleeping almost as much as I like. It used to be that every minute spent sleeping felt like a minute less work done or one chore less completed, but for the past few months, if I felt like sleeping in a little or taking that mid-afternoon nap, I've allowed myself to. Once Baby arrives, sleeping at all might be wishful thinking.

4) Being told I'm looking radiant
I don't get compliments on how I look very often but ever since getting pregnant, people have been saying nice things about my pregnancy glow :) I'm thankful that I've had none of the puffiness in my cheeks and nose or the ashen pallor I was expecting; in fact, my complexion has actually improved with the pregnancy. For that, I'm really grateful to the little one :)

5) Feeling Baby move
I complain about this sometimes, especially when she decides to jab my internal organs or perform extreme acrobatics just as I'm about to fall asleep; but it's also a most wondrous sensation that's hard to describe to anyone. Jude feels her move whenever we lay close together or when he has his hands on my tummy, but it isn't the same as feeling her actually move inside your body. She's a feisty one for sure and we love her all the more for it- it's like her way of reminding us that she's coming soon and we better be ready! :)

A child's reaction to the "Where the Wild Things Are' trailer

Trailer Reaction from We Love You So on Vimeo.

I thought that this video capture was an interesting study in a child's visceral reaction to the trailer for Spike Jonze's "Where the Wild Things Are". While I agree that there are obviously movies that are inappropriate for kids, this video shows us that toddlers can be a sophisticated audience of media. There is a lot going on in the trailer and some of it I would have assumed to be inappropriate for children. But as the video above shows, that really isn't the case. I think that there is a lot of scope for research that 1) better takes into account the cognitive capacities of young children and 2) studies that measure the emotional responses to media content.

And also, as you dear reader may notice, our attention is slowly shifting to all things parenthood and child-focused :)

The Proust Questionnaire

Since the trend of memes hit blogs and Facebook a couple of years ago, I think I've done my fair share of soul-searching and public self-exposure. But I have to say that this one was tough. The Proust Questionnaire-- popularized (though not devised) by Marcel Proust in the late 19th century-- is supposed to reveal an individual's truest nature. James Lipton often gives an adapted version to his guests on Bravo's Inside the Actor's Studio and periodically, there's a section devoted to celebrities' responses to the questions on Vanity Fair. I always feel as if I should be clever or witty when answering these types of questions but for this one, I've really tried to be as honest as possible, which I think is also what made it so hard.

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Shared love, genuine laughter, and good food.

2. What is your greatest fear?
That I won't be a good mom.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My need to be liked.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Not so much deplore, but I get impatient with people who only like to talk about themselves.

5. Which living person do you most admire?
Aung San Suu Kyi

6. What is your greatest extravagance?
A good haircut.

7. What is your current state of mind?
Hopeful

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Being nice.

9. On what occasion do you lie?
When someone asks me if they look fat in an outfit. So don't ask me.

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
My feet.

11. Which living person do you most despise?
I don't think despising someone is a very healthy attitude to have.

12. What is the quality you most like in a man?
The absence of chauvinism or machismo. And the courage to cry.

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Self-assuredness, the kind of confidence that makes you so secure about yourself that you don't need to be mean, catty, or unkind to other women to make yourself feel better.

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"I'm sorry."

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Jude.

16. When and where were you happiest?
Sometime in 2001 when I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with #15.

17. Which talent would you most like to have?
Self-control. And to play jazz piano.

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
To be braver.

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I'd like to think that it hasn't happened yet. It gives me hope and makes me work harder.

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
I kinda like being me, so I'd like to be me again, please.

21. Where would you most like to live?
Anywhere where I'd be surrounded by my family and loved ones.

22. What is your most treasured possession?
My health.

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
To not be surrounded by people whom I love and who love me.

24. What is your favorite occupation?
Making lists. Grocery lists, Things-To-Do lists, baby names lists, etc...

25. What is your most marked characteristic?
That I smile a lot.

26. What do you most value in your friends?
Honesty and loyalty, which I realize can be mutually exclusive.

27. Who are your favorite writers?
Shakespeare and Shel Silverstein. And the people who write for The Today Show.

28. Who is your hero of fiction?
Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird.

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
I really wanted to have a good answer for this, but as of right now, I really don't have a clue.

30. Who are your heroes in real life?
Anyone who spends their lives bettering the plight of others.

31. What are your favorite names?
Chloe, Eliot, Emma, Liam, Noah, Sophie

32. What is it that you most dislike?
Cruelty and bigotry.

33. What is your greatest regret?
Every occasion when I did something I knew beforehand I shouldn't but did it anyway.

34. How would you like to die?
Content.

35. What is your motto?
"This too, shall pass."