Validation

So I defended my dissertation proposal on Friday. Finally. Although "defending" is probably too self-important a word; it really was more of a chat, honestly. In fact, one of the nice things that my adviser said to me after the meeting was how it was more of an intellectual discussion between four colleagues than it was me trying to convince three professors why my dissertation topic is worth spending the next year and a half on. The thing is, ever since I decided on my research topic almost two years ago, I've been pretty much on my own with this study. It's a novel way of researching national identity, particularly because I'm working so closely with young children, and the interdisciplinary nature of my work isn't always of the kind that is done in my school; which means besides my professor and Jude, there are few people I share thoughts about my work with.

But on Friday, I was forced to pull my ideas into a coherent whole and present it to a group of people whose hands hold my academic future. I had to justify why this research is important not just because I say it is, but also as a significant contribution to the field of education, political science and childhood sociology. It wasn't a public session, but it was the first time I was presenting my work formally to people who weren't bound by any reason to have to be nice to me. In fact, a dissertation proposal defense was literally designed for you to "defend" your work against attacks on its merit. To say that I was nervous is an understatement. Apart from fretting about what I was going to say, I also spent half and hour figuring out what outfit to wear- the first time I've ever done that since we moved here. In fact, the last time I worried so much about what to wear out of the house was our wedding...

At some point 15 minutes into the meeting though, something about the tone of the meeting changed, and I think that's when I began feeling like it became more of a chat than a defense. I was showing my committee some pictures I had collected from children when I was home in Singapore in summer last year, and sharing some preliminary findings I had to support my study. One of them sat back in her chair, took off her glasses and almost sighed. What she said next, I will carry with me as inspiration during those moments over the next year and half where I will invariably feel like giving up:

"And that, Serene, is what you will tell Terry Gross when she interviews you about your book on NPR."

At that moment, my adviser beamed at me with so much pride, it was as if I had finished writing my dissertation already. She didn't say a Pulitzer or a Nobel, but she didn't have to say anything to begin with. And Fresh Air is good enough for me :) It felt quite wonderful, really. To be validated about something you've carried almost as your own private precious possession for so long. This is an original piece of work, my contribution to academia, me putting out into the ether something that did not exist before. And that people other than myself and those closest to me think that it is valuable work too was at that moment a little startling to me. Throughout the next hour or so, my committee was nothing but enthusiastic and encouraging. They seemed genuinely excited about my work and I remember, if nothing else, feeling a vague sense of euphoria :)

I'm skipping a little ahead of myself, of course- I haven't even started data collection for the study yet. But that feeling- this feeling I have right now- is what I was hoping to have, but didn't expect to really achieve when I first settled on this topic. A kind of strange stewardship, if you will, over my work. With the encouragement and support I've been getting from Jude, my friends and family, and now validation from my committee, I'm truly inspired to craft the best work I'm capable of, and put it out there. It's not going to heal the world, make it a better place, *for you and for me and the entire human race*, but it'll be my small contribution. And maybe, that's enough for now.